What’s more iconic than the Scottish Midgie (midge) – fiercer than the Loch Ness Monster, faster than Darcy Graham on the Scotland wing, and as nippy as a peppery haggis.
The Scottish midge – Culicoides impunctatus – to give it its proper name, is a legend in its own lunchtime – and we’re usually its lunch.
No matter what you try – they’ve seen it all before – they’ll get you in the end!
Compared to Midgies, mosquitoes are wee wimps. Almost invisible as individuals, they swarm in great clouds and wear you down till you run off for your mammy.
This song was written by David McCallum a best friend from my school years. I always thought it was a cracking song and am delighted to give it an airing.
The Midgie Song
© David McCallum
V1
When summer comes round every year
The countryside is full of fear
For as the sun sinks o’er the hill
The monsters come and mass at will
They smell us out and then attack us
Culicoides impunctatus
V2
What are these beasts I hear you cry
These fiends that come down from the sky
That swarm and dive then stab and spear
And have you running there and here
They’re not demons ghosts or witches
Worse than that, they’re Scottish midgies
Chorus
I’ve tried ointments creams oils and gel
Lotions salves and sprays as well
But nothing cures the living hell
Of Scottish biting midgies
V3
There are nets that fit your head
They come in black and green and red
I’ve bought one and I’ve made some too
But the holes were big and some got through
And when I tried to drink my beer
A Midgie moustache did appear
V4
I’ve tried all sorts unto compulsion
Smelly candles and emulsion
Vinegar was once suggested
Didn’t work they still molested
Cactus juice and jungle stuff
But none of them are quite enough
V5
You spray you smear you hide you smother
But there’s aye bits that you’ve not covered
Nooks and crannies they will find
Until you go out of your mind
The little sods get everywhere
So try and make sure nothing’s bare
V6
Scotland is a wondrous land
Of rolling hills and mountains grand
There’s deer and grouse and otters too
But here’s a warning all of you
Wee things will give you lumps and itches
Watch out for the Scottish midgies